This assignment is passing faster than any I have done so far. I can’t determine why it feels that way. I think it may have something to do with my ability to go home every week. It may also have to do with the fast pace at work. I am enjoying the challenges and the days just fly by.
It is so nice to be closer to home and have the ability to travel back and forth frequently. It is everything that we hoped for, but it has brought new feelings to the forefront. I don’t know if it is just another transition period, and that I will adjust, or if it is a permanence. Now that I can travel home weekly, I feel like I live out of a bag. I pack a bag to go home and then I pack a bag to go back. This makes me feel as if I don’t really belong anywhere, like I am lost. It is such a strange, disconnected feeling. It has also made me miss the days that I was home, sitting with the dogs on the front porch every day after work, and waiting on my husband to get home.
My recent home visits have also brought some sadness. I come home to dead trees and grass from not being watered, a clock that doesn’t chime because it has not been wound, seasonal towels and pillows that have not been changed, an empty greenhouse…. I realize that these things all sound trivial, but they brought me joy. It is in no way criticism of my husband, either. It is just an emotional realization that the existence of my presence is no longer found there. I no longer “live” there, I just visit.
I am beginning to question this journey and sometimes have fear of what I may be giving up to continue on it. It’s a sinking type feeling in my gut. Maybe it is temporary, I don’t know. Maybe it is just grief in disguise, creeping out in a different way. I spend quite a bit of time analyzing it (it is in my nature, that is what I do). But I also absolutely LOVE the people and challenges that have come along with it. All of which I would never have encountered if I had not started it. I truly believe that each person (patient and staff) that I have crossed paths with was for a bigger purpose. I may never know what that purpose was, but I believe this with every fiber of my being, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. So, here I sit in what feels like limbo, wondering what is next.
Side notes: 1. Wookie blends in with this environment almost as well as he did in the high desert! 2. I had to take a very cold, unpleasant shower this morning because my propane tanks were empty. I had grown accustomed to having a 100 gallon tank connected at the last site, and now I am relying on the small ones that came with the camper. I will be paying closer attention to this detail in the future.